Doggies just call it style.
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WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.