Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
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Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man