I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken