honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
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My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u