Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
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The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.