You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
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applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa