Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
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Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.