Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
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I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Best spot.. 😅
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.