I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
You Might Also Like
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
is this store having a stroke wtf
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
A new level of troll.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*