people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
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Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
when dads have a rap battle
The answer is funnier than the question
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.