White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
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Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!