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Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.