Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
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Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
man i love columbo
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.