There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
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*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak