BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
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On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.