I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
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I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef