Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
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Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
You learn something every day
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I hate everything