What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
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I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?