The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
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I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.