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The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine