Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
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Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
These work great until they don’t.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday