Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
You Might Also Like
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Tough love is true love
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.