My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
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I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*