[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
You Might Also Like
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”