Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
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Hello Twits.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I saw this ending much differently.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit