WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
You Might Also Like
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.