The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
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i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Wedding planning is organized crime.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
*orders delivery*