My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
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Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
jesus christ confetti not now
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael