Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
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If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”