“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
You Might Also Like
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner