(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
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A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO