Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
You Might Also Like
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”