“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Happy Thanksgiving
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.