[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
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If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
The cashier just checked me out.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.