As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
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[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
How animals would run if they were human
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…