… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
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Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Worth remembering.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny