Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
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friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team