dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
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[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
? 💀
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.