[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
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One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
How dramatic are you?
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first