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It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I鈥檓 going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I鈥檓 not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven鈥檛 seen since the sixth grade.
Word!
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks