My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
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*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.