Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
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Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.