What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
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RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.