High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
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*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French