The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
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All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Florida be like…
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭