I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
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Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
The absolute effort that went into this omg
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.