“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
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Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun