Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
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Cat is stressing him out.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff