Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
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turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Simple enough.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”