Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
You Might Also Like
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I love the honesty
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!